Random Funny Stuff
by TigressFlynn
Summary: i'm collecting funny quotes and stuff. let me know if you have any good ones i should add.
1. Chapter 1

Out of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most   
><span>I'm out planning your down fall, please leave a message at the beep *beep* <span>

PANTOPHOBIA! Surprisingly not the fear of pants.   
><span>I'm a nerd and social outcast. Neither are bad. <span>  
><span>I don't suffer from insanity! I enjoy it! <span>  
><span>!'M n0T cRzY, y0U'r3 Ju$T $n3 (unless u can read this) <span>  
><span>"Let's Rocketit!" Double pun! 

If someone calls you weird, crazy, or a freak, just smile and say "What was your first clue?"  
>❒ Taken<br>❒ Single  
><span>✔ Mentally dating a character that doesn't actually exist <span>  
><span>With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.<span>

**Words to Know**

Emergency numbers: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

Opera: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself."

Baby-sitter: A teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.

Tattoo: Permanent proof of temporary insanity. 

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:  
>On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).<br>On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?  
>On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)<br>On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).  
>On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!<br>On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)  
>On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)<br>On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)  
>On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)<br>On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)  
>On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)<br>On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)  
>On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)<br>On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)  
>On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere)<br>On a hair straightener: "Do not use in water." (Yes, because I always straighten my hair when I'm taking a bath.)

_You're a 90's kid if:_

**You can finish this 'ice ice _'**  
><strong>You remember watching Doug, Ren &amp; Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain, Bobby's World, Felix the cat, The Tick...AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!<br>You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"**  
><strong>You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ."<strong>  
><strong>You remember TGIF, Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.<strong>  
><strong>You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.<strong>  
><strong>You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.<strong>  
><strong>You remember reading "Goosebumps"<strong>  
><strong>You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.<strong>  
><strong>You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not<br>If you remember seeing hot tub bubbles make bubbly sounds before every music video on VH1.**  
><strong>when everything was settled by rock paper scissors..or bubble gum bubble gum in a dish...eeny meeny miney mo...and even better daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky.<br>You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time.**  
><strong>"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show.<strong>  
><strong>Captain Planet. He's a Hero.<strong>  
><strong>You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.<br>You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.**  
><strong>You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.<br>You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"  
>You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.<br>You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.**  
><strong>You remember those Where's Waldo books.<br>You remember eating Warheads.  
>You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladdin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.<br>You remember Ring Pops.**  
><strong>You remember drinking Surge, and Tang.<br>If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"**  
><strong>When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.<br>You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.**  
><strong>Making those little paper cootie-catcher things, and then predicting your life with them.<br>You played and/or collected "Pogs"**  
><strong>You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere<strong>.

**. . . Furbies**

**You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.**  
><strong>And Windows 95 was the best.<br>You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.**  
><strong>Michael Jordan was a king.<strong>  
><strong>All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.<br>You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out.**  
><strong>You collected those Beanie Babies.<strong>  
><strong>Carebears<strong>  
><strong>Lambchop's song never ended.<strong>  
><strong>The old dollar bills.<strong>  
><strong>Silver dollars, which were cool to have.<br>You remember a time before the WB.**  
><strong>You collected all the Troll dolls<strong>  
><strong>If you even know what an original walkman is.<strong>  
><strong>You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"<br>You know the Macarena by heart.**  
><strong>"Talk to the hand" . . . nough said<strong>  
><strong>You always said, "Then why don't you marry it?"<strong>  
><strong>You remember trying to collect all 150 original pokemon cards but never could and if you did you thought you were all that!<strong>  
><strong>You remember Highlight's magazine.<strong>  
><strong>You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.<strong>  
><strong>You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.<strong>  
><strong>Before the MySpace frenzy . . .<strong>  
><strong>Before the Internet &amp; text messaging . . .<strong>  
><strong>Before Sidekicks &amp; iPods . . .<strong>  
><strong>Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .<strong>  
><strong>Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.<strong>  
><strong>When light up sneakers were cool.<strong>  
><strong>When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.<strong>  
><strong>When gas was 0.95 a gallon &amp; Caller ID was The new thing.<strong>  
><strong>When we recorded stuff on VCRs.<strong>  
><strong>When gameboy was a brick.<strong>  
><strong>You did MASH to figure out your future<strong>  
><em><strong>Way back.<strong>_  
><strong>Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.<br>Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!  
><strong> 

Things to Think About

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

The golfer goes (Whack) "Dang!" The skydiver goes, "Dang!" (Whack)

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Why do our noses run and our feet smell?

Why don't we ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the man that invests all your money called a broker?

Why can't they make the plane out of the same substance that indestructible little black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

So what's the speed of dark?

If the sky is the limit then what is space, over the limit?

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.

Love your enemies! It really annoys them!

Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!

You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

I did what they say and chose the road less traveled...Now where the heck am I?

Don't knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving isn't for you.

When life gives you lemons,make apple juice,then laugh while people try to figure out how the heck you did it.

It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full,just drink it and get it over with.

WARNING:Do NOT follow in my footsteps...I walk into walls and off the occasional cliff.

I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do,kill me?

It's always in the last place you look...of course it is! WHY would I keep looking AFTER I found it?

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Parents spend the first parts of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.

Boys are like dogs: You say hi, pat them on the head, and they follow you home.

The surest sign of intelligent life out there is that none of them has never tried contacting us.

The computer beat me once at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. - Jerry Garcia

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

He who laughs last didn't get it.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?  
>'Hold my purse.'<p>

Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

**Phineas:**Yeah, we're in _Candace's _body.  
><strong>Ferb:<strong>That's creepy on SO many levels.  
><strong>Danny:<strong>You are a seriously crazed up fruit-loop.

Phineas: Anyone else here living a double life?  
>(Ferb raises his hand)<br>Put your hand down, Ferb.

"Inter genre geek war!"  
>"Glorf!"<p>

I sweated through my eyes in Phineas & Ferb Across the Second Dimension.  
>" O_O WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!"<br>**Phineas:**Yeah, we're in _Candace's _body.  
><strong>Ferb:<strong>That's creepy on SO many levels.  
><strong>Danny:<strong>You are a seriously crazed up fruit-loop.  
>Always fun to fangirl over two boys, with weird-shaped heads, and their platypus.<p>

Phineas and Ferb3  
><strong>Phineas:<strong>Yeah, we're in _Candace's _body.  
><strong>Ferb:<strong>That's creepy on SO many levels.  
><strong>Danny:<strong>You are a seriously crazed up fruit-loop.

Phineas & Ferb: Probably the only cartoon I'm _not _embarrassed to be a fan of.

"How about I give you an emotionally scarring front story?"  
>"That doesn't even make sense."<br>"It doesn't have to! I HAVE A MONSTER TRUCK!"

"It's evil. It's diabolical! It's LEMON SCENTED!"

Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Playpus! How unexpected! And by unexpected, I mean...unexpected. What are you doing here? This is my week off!

The Ba-dink-a-dinks and Phineas: (in the toy factory) "Who the heck are you guys?"

"We are the Ba-dink-a-dinks! You set us free when you remodeled the factory. We'd been trapped in there for years, making foam peanuts and snipping the tabs off of plastic. WE WILL NOW LAY WASTE TO THE SURFACE DWELLERS!"

"...Okay then. Carry on."

Baljeet: (after Buford blows his trumpet again) Is that absolutely neccessary?

Buford: Does it bother you?

Baljeet: Well yes, a little bit.

Buford: Then yeah, it's neccessary

Baljeet: (sighs) All right, fair enough.

Ferb goes "Umm...That man isn't wearing any clothes" and sounds really scared .

**Phineas:**"Ferb and I are going to use a laser to carve our faces in the comet so that when it passes over again in 73 1/2 years, our _grandchildren _will see it. Oh yeah, and my parents are cooking _steaks _for everyone."

**Isabella:**"You had me at _'our grandchildren'_...

**Phineas:**"What?"

**Isabella:**"'_Steaks_'! You had me at 'steaks'!"

Norm: Watcha doin'?

Doofenshmirtz: Whatcha do- what does it look like, I'm building an evil empire.

Norm: Aren't you a bit old to be building an evil empire?

Doofenshmirtz: No, no I'm not, shut up!

Ferb: In retrospect, I question the inclusion of a self destruct button in the first place.

Mom: So, where's this animation studio?

Candace: It got up. And it, danced away.

Mom: It, it, what?

Candace: It got up, and it, danced away.

Mom: It got up and it, danced away.

Candace: See? Even sounds crazy when you say it.

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus! (Dramatic note plays) The disintavaporator! (Another deep note) My golf clubs! I don't even _play _golf.

Candace: ...well I'll always be his _coup de crayon._

Ferb: You do realize that that's French for _pencil neck_?

Lawrence: Guys! Come and look at this! This is an exact replica of an artist's interpretation of what some random guy of no significance believed that the Chariot of Asparagus might have looked like!

Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is on the move. We tracked him at these coordinates, when we suddenly lost his signal. We have two scenarios to explain his disappearance. First, the magical elves have caused Dr. Doofenshmirtz to vanish to the land of angry corn people! The second, is that he may be on this secret hideout shaped island with the initial 'D' carved into it that the satelite's found in the...exact...spot...where he...vanished...Uh, you know what? Forget the magical elves thing...I was way off base with that.

Phineas: (of the Platypus monster in the story) How big was it?

Ferb's Grandpa: It was bigger than a refrigerator, but smaller than a really big refrigerator.

Grandpa Reg: My boy! What's this behind your ear? *pulls book out from behind Ferb's ear* It's me scrapbook.

Phineas: How'd you do that?

Grandpa Reg: It's just a bit of how's your father. I may seem like a bumey old ? now, but when I wasn't so long in the tooth, I had some grand larks and engaged in a fair amount of daring do.

Phineas (to Ferb): Translate?

Ferb: When he was younger, he did a bunch of stuff.

Monogram: Was that the hoverjet? Oh, no they di'int!

(Candace is 50 ft. tall)

Freak show host: Care to introduce me to your large friend?

Phineas: Oh, that's Candace, our sister. Our (snicker) big...sister. (holds back laughter)

Phineas: Yeah, we're in Candace's stomach.

Ferb: That's creepy on so many levels.

Phineas: Hey! Candace is on her date with Jeremy! Which means we're on a date with Jeremy.

Ferb: Again. Creepy on so many levels.

Candace: I'm calling Mom! (closes door then opens it) And I am NOT using the banana this time!

Phineas: You guys heard that, right? It wasn't just me?

(Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, and Candace are hit by Doofenshmirtz's Ball-Gown-inator, giving them dresses.)

Jeremy: Hey, Candace! Wow! You look beautiful! (sees the three kids) Uh... I guess you all look beautiful...

Dr. D: To add insult to injury, the Platypus is leading.

Unkown Guy: Actually, I was trying to avoid you!

Candace: Have I seen you before?

U. G: Nope. That's how good it's been working! Unknown guy is out, PEACE!

Candace: There you are! I order you to get out there and build a fort!

Phineas: But Candace, I thought you wanted us to take the day off and not annoy you!

Candace: Those kids next door are building a fort, and I WILL be annoyed if theirs is better than yours.

Phineas: Candace, we don't do this to _compete_. We do it for fun.

Ferb: And for the ladies... *seductive growl*

**Phineas**: OK, I've jerry-rigged Ferb's old GPS device to create a cute-tracker. It locks on to the cutest thing in the area, so it should lead us right to Meap! Let's see if we can get a signal. Got something!

**Isabella**: Oh, that's probably me. Sorry!

**Phineas**: No. It's three miles in that direction. Ferb, why don't you stay and finish the ship?_(Ferb salutes yes)_Isabella, wanna come and help me find Meap?

**Isabella**: Sure. I still have to get my "You Wouldn't Know Cute If It Bit Your Legs Off" accomplishment patch.

**Phineas**: Cool! Let's go.

**Isabella**: Grrrr!

**Phineas**: Hmm. I'm having trouble picking up Meap's cute signal.

**Isabella**: Phineas, since you obviously won't figure this out on your own, I think I'm the one causing the cute interference.

**Phineas**: Don't be silly, Isabella! I took into account your cuteness, and adjusted the cute meter settings accordingly from the beginning. See, look what happens when I change it back to normal._(the cute meter overloads and shorts out)_Oops. So much for finding Meap.

Phineas: Do I know romance, or what?

Isabella: What.

Phineas: I said, Do I know ro-

Isabella: I heard you.

**Isabella**: Watcha doin'?

**Phineas**: Fixing a time machine.

**Isabella**: Isn't that kind of impossible?

**Phineas**: That's a possibility.

**Stacy**:What's this? Dancing weasels?

**Stacy**:Oh, busted. You want me to bust your brothers. You know you really gotta work on your penmanship.

**Phineas**:Hmm... weasels... I think she means it.

**Stacy**:I knew they were weasels!

Ah, agent P! We've just discovered Doofenshmirtz has been stealing bottles from recycling bins, and nothing good could come from that! ... Unless, of course, he's recycling, in which case nothing _but_ good could come from that! Unless he's recycling it into some hideous weapon, which is something once again no good could come from. Except, of course for the recycling part, which i guess is still, at it's essence good. Even if you're making something evil with it, it's still reducing the- Y'know, y'know, perhaps we shouldn't even put these ''Good and Evil'' Labels on things... Let's just say Doofenshmirtz is doing something neutral, so just get out there and make sure it stays like that!

Phineas: We'll build the best dang car wash in the whole dang world, _dang it._...I...I can't really pull that off, can I?

Ferb: You're not very street.

Baljeet: I do not even know how to act in front of a girl! i do not even know what girls like!

Phineas: Hmmm... Isn't it like, sugar and spice, and everything nice?

Baljeet: That is what they are made of! I do not want to build one! Duh!

**Major Monogram**: ...The fate of the world rests entirely in your hands!

Lawrence walks in.

**Lawrence**: What, the fate of the world?

**Major Monogram**: Uh... Good Morning! Welcome to our telethon! I-if you're just joining us your dollars are helping us to find a cure for, um... antidisestablishmentarianism!

**Lawrence**: Goodness me, that sounds dreadful!

**Major Monogram**: Oh, it is! It, um, makes you look pale and weak like, uh...*Monogram pulls Carl on screen* ...this young lad!

**Lawrence Fletcher**: Oh, dear, the poor thing, look at that. Wait a minute! Antidisestablishmentarianism? That's more of an ideological stance than a disease, isn't it?

*Monogram shoves Carl off screen*

**Major Monogram**: Ah, well, look at that! Seems they've just found a cure! Thanks to all the viewers who donated. Bye now!

Phineas: i forgot we made buford the boss its a little disturbing having him chase after us but it made him so happy.

Candace: how am i suppose to get ready in 20 seconds.

(phineas, ferb and isabella get hit by ball gown-inator)

ferb: apparently do what we did.

Candace: hey isn't it a little early to start building another crazy contraption.

Phineas: oh this no were still cleaning up from last night... its weird the clean up normally takes care of itself but we've been working all night on this one. it was our biggest project ever how could you miss it.

Isabella: hello hippy dude. excuuuu ssss me me me

hippy dude: wow you just harmonized with me.

hippy dude: not to fret my pet there is still one soul marocco nut tree left in existence its over at the old abandoned old abandoned amusement part down town.

Isabella: wait did you just say old abandoned old abandoned.

Hippy dude: yes the old abandoned old abandoned amusement park.

Isabella: old abandoned twice?

hippy dude: that's right

Isabella: don't bring that smack talk around here this is my house!

Phineas: tectonically it's our garage.

Ferb: she's on a roll.

Isabella: you ok Candace?

Candace: i feel like a ka-bob

Baljeet: i too feel a certain element of ka-bobisium

Buford: i said quite you!

**Buford**: Help, my nerd is stuck in a tree! Look, it's your favorite calculator, and some math problems!

**Baljeet:**Oh, fractions?

**Baljeet**: You can build a roller coaster in a day, but it takes you twelve minutes to pump up a tire?

**Isabella**: Hi, Phineas.

**Buford**: Whatcha do-

**Isabella**: Whatcha doin'?

**Phineas**: Come in the Phineas and Ferb Studios, and we'll show you.

**Buford**: Hey, Isabella. About that "Whatcha doin'?" back there.

**Isabella**: Ah-bub-bub! We'll talk about it later.

**Buford**: What kind of fun can we have when it's raining?

**Isabella**: We could talk about our feelings.

**Buford**: OK, I'll rephrase that. What kind of fun can we have when it's raining?

**Doofenshmirtz**:You see it occurred to me that what I really should be doing is fighting fire with fire. And by fire, I mean Perry the Platypus, and by fire, I ALSO mean Perry the Platypus. It occurred to me while I was on fire.

**Stacy:**Alright, twerps, listen up! Candace is out sick, so today, I'm her eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. Basically, her whole face. And she told me to give you this!_(hands Phineas the notepad)_

**Phineas:**Weasels? I think she really means it, Ferb.

**Stacy:**HAH! I knew there were weasels!

Ferb: Well, it was _definitely _better than the gorilla [he pronounces it "goriller"] in the cake.

Grandpa Reg: Well, these two roister-doisters wheeled out me old iron, built a crackin' match for McGregor's Gorge, and helped this daft ol' ? have one last knees-up.

[Phineas looks at Ferb]

Ferb: ...I have absolutely no idea.

Buford:Wait but i still haven't got my cheese... cheese...wombat!...cheese!.

Buford:Huh my echo must be broken.

"Now we've done it Ferb! We've brought the entire Convention Center to the brink of an inter-genre geek war!" ~ Phineas

"Moooooooom!" "Candace? What's wrong?" "Phineas and Ferb are increasing public awareness of the shoelace...tip...thing." "Who knew people could get so worked up over aglets?" *holds up aglet awarness ribbons" "Noo!" ~Candace and Linda

Doof: Man, if I had a nickel for everytime I've been doomed by a puppet I'd have...two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it's happened twice, right?

Phineas: This is were you disappear off to everyday? You come here and fight this guy? (points to Doof 2).

Doof: Actually, he fights me, he doesn't really know this guy.

Phineas: You fight a pharmacist? Why would you even do that?

(After Perry walks off to hand himself over to Doof 2).

Phineas: I never thought you could spell "platypus" without "us." (leaves).

Ferb: Well you can, but it would be "platyp."

Normbot: I use aggression to mask my insecurities.

Phineas 2: Other dimensions? Is that allowed?

Phineas: Apparently.

(Phineas refuses to fix the Other-Dimensioninator for Doof 2).

Doof 2: Very well, you've forced me to bring out the big guns (reaches into his jacket and pulls out a hand puppet) (in squeaky voice) fix my machine!

Phineas: No.

Doof 2: Really? When I was your age I did everything a puppet told me to.

Phineas: How old do you think I am?

Doof 2: I don't know, one, two...it's kind of hard to tell with the one eye.


	2. Chapter 2

**0 to 200 in 6 seconds**

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was  
>really pissed.<p>

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the  
>driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !"<p>

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke  
>up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box<br>gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought  
>the box back in the house.<p>

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

...

**Blonde paint job**

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"  
>The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"<br>The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  
>"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."<p>

…...

**Only three doors**

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

…...

**A Really Bad Day**

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

…...

**Advantages Of Being A Woman**

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character(scratch that first part LOL) or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

…...

**From A Mother With Love**

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.(lol toilet)

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

…...

**Men Are Like**

..Placemats.  
>They only show up when there's food on the table.<p>

..Mascara.  
>They usually run at the first sign of emotion.<p>

..Bike helmets.  
>They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.<p>

..Government bonds.  
>They take so long to mature.<p>

..Copiers.  
>You need them in reproduction but that's about it.<p>

..Lava lamps.  
>Fun to look at it but not all that bright.<p>

..Bank accounts.  
>Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.<p>

..High heels.  
>They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.<p>

..Curling irons.  
>They're always hot and always in your hair.<p>

..Mini skirts.  
>If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.<p>

..Handguns.  
>Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.<p>

..Floor tiles.  
>Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.<p>

..Parking spots.  
>The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.<p>

..Bananas.  
>The older they get, the less firm they are.<p>

…...

**Not So Dumb**

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at  
>each other dumbfounded.<p>

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

…...

**Most Men and Real Men**

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.

Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.

Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.

Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men..really know how to make you relax.

Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.

Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.

Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.

Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.

Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men..balance their checkbooks.

Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.

Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.

Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men..start their own businesses.

Most Men..quit their jobs.

Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.

Most Men..bring their own beer.

…...

**Female Laws To Live By**

The female always make the rules.

The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No male can possibly know all the rules.

If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

The female is never wrong.

If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The female may change her mind at any time.

The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The male is expected to mind read at all times.

The female is ready when she is ready.

The male must be ready at all times.


	3. Hey, I've got a New Business

"I've got a new business."

"What's your business?"

"I'm repairing TARDIS's"

"How that going? It seems like a pretty small market."

"Yeah, but it's bigger once you get into to it."

"I've got a new business."

"Oh, what is it?"

"I run a support group for kleptomaniacs."

"And how's it going?"

"It's taking everything I've got." : P

"I've got a new business."

"Really, doing what?"

"I write books about the titanic."

"Oh, and how's it going?"

"Tipping away."

"i got a new business"

"really what is it?

"im afactory were they make the fish fingers fish cakes etc"

"really? how is business"

"there is something fishy going on in there"

-So I got a new business.

-Really ? What's it ?

-I collect broken lamps.

-How that's going ?

-Not brilliant.

"I've got a new business."

"Oh yeah, I heard about this. What is it?"

"It's a cleaning business, from coast to coast."

"Cleaning, you say? Well, how are you doing?"

"Oh it's sweeping the nation."

"well i've got a new business also"

"what is it"

"i'm the hulk"

"oh yeah? hows that going"

"smashin"

"I've got a new business"

"What is it"

"I'm running a deer farm"

"And how is it"

"I'm making the big bucks" :P

"I've got a new business."

"What's your business?"

"I've started a jazz club."

"How's that going?"

"I'm swingin' it."

"So, ah, I've got a business."

"A business? What is it?"

"I'm decorating water holes for people."

"How's that doing then?"

"Pretty well."

"I've got a new business."

"Oh, what is it?"

"I'm a hitman."

"And how's that going?"

"I'm making a killing."

"-I've got a new business."

"-What is it?"

"-I opened a bakery."

"-How's business going?"

"-Piece of cake."

"I've got a new business."

"Oh, yeah? What?"

"Making exercise equipment."

"And how's that going?"

"It's working out."

"I've got a new buisness"

"What is it ?"

"Im selling crutches"

"And how is it ?"

"Lame"

"I've got a new business."

"Oh, what is it?"

"I've started my own rally car pit-crew."

"And how's that going?"

"Getting tired/tyred pretty quickly."

"i've got a new business"

"oh, What is it?"

"I paint pictures of dead people"

"How's that going for you?"

"It's a dying art

'I've got a new business.'

'Yeah? What is it?'

'Making sandpaper.'

'How's that going?'

'It's rough.'

"I've got a new business"

"really? what is it?"

"I help recruit Priests"

"And how's that going? "

"Heavenly"

"So, I've got a new business"

"Oh, what is it?"

"I make railways for trains"

"Cool, how's your business? "

"I lost track of how well we're doing."

"so I've got a new business"

" mmm, what is it?"

"I collect rain water to reduce water consumption."

"How's that going?"

"I'ts going down the drain"

" I've got a new business "

" oh really what as"

" car driver"

"How's that going?"

" it's driving me mental"

"i've got a new business"

"really what is it?

"im a bee hive keeper"

"how is business?

"grate i get a right buzz out of it"

Catherine: I've got a new business.

David: Oh, yeah what's that then?

Catherine: I'm a lifeguard.

David: Really? How's that going?

Catherine: oh, I'm keeping me head above water!

"I've got a new business."

"Ooh, what is it?"

"It's a demolishing company."

"How's it goin'?"

"Smashing!"

'Hey, I've got a new business!'

'Oh yeah?, What is it?'

'I make wheelie bins.'

'And how's that going?'

'...Rubbish.'

"I've got a new business."

"Oh, what is it?"

"I'm a pilot."

"Well how's business?"

"My head's always up in the clouds."

-So I've got a new business.

-Yeah? What is it?

-Oh, I'm a marriage counselor. Right now I'm working with Mr. and Mrs. End.

-And how's that going?

-Oh, just trying to make Ends meet~

"Ive got a new business."

"what is it?"

"im making hammers"

"hows that going?"

"It's great, we're banging away"

I've got a new business

Oh yeah! Wat is it?

I sell fishes

Ohh! How's it going?

Swimmingly

"I've got a new business."

"Oh, what is it?"

"I breed and raise bunny rabbits"

"Oh? and how's business?"

"hare-raising"

I got a new business!

Really? What is it?

Making boats.

How's business?

Keeping afloat.

"I've started a business."

"Ooh really? What's it in?"

"Researching and genetically modifying the structural form of fruit."

"Oooh fancy! How's it going?"

"Pretty dull, all gone pear shaped."

"I've got a new buisness"

"What is it ?"

"I sell bowties"

"And how is it ?"

"Cool"

"Hey I've got a new business"

"orly? what is it?"

"I clean septic tanks"

"how's business?"

"Crappy"

"i've got a new business"

"really what is it?

""i sell plying cards"

"how is is busniess?

"i get the best deals"

Hey, I've got a new business.

Yeah, what is it?

I'm a make-up artist for clowns.

Oh, really so how's business?

It's a bundle of laughs! ;

'I've got a new business.'

'Oh, what is it?'

'It's making fire places.'

'How's it going?'

'Ah, it's grate!'

"Ive got a new business."

"what is it?"

"im making coffins"

"hows that going?"

"i think ive nailed it"

"I've got a new business."

"Oh, what is it?"

"I tell people how dangerous it is to make left turns."

"Well how's business?"

"It's all right."

So, i've got a new buisness... oh? what is it?

I install elevators in skyscrapers

really? How's buisness?

I'm moving up in the world...

So, I've got a new business

ooo, what is it?

I'm a stand-in Scarecrow for farmers when they're having their real ones tailored. Oh? and how's business

I'm outstanding in my field.

I've got a new business

Really? and what is that?

Im working in Philosophy

And hows business?

Ah, its what I make of it.

I've got a business.

Oh yeah? What's your business?

We sell equipment for wizards.

How's it going for you?

We just can't get the staff.

I've got a business.

Oh yeah? What's your business?

We design and sell water storage systems.

Oh cool, how's it going?

Well.

-So I've got a new business…

Oh yeah? What's that then?

-I clean up after the executioner decapitates criminals.

W-what? Oh, okay. Um… how's business?

-I think I'm pulling up ahead.

I've got a new business.

What kind of business?

A cheese business.

how's it going?

Great.

So, I've got a new business.

Oh, what is it?

I sell fans.

Well, how's it going?

It blows.

So, I started a new business…

Oh really?

Yes, we give driving lessons and licences to the blind and mentally infirm.

What? Why would you do that?!

Well, I don't believe anyone should stand in their way

Did? I tell you about my new business?

No? What is it?

We sabotage construction projects by singing Disney tunes at the workers.

Really? How does that work? It could be very useful!

Why? Do you wanna slow a build, man?

Did I tell you about my new business?

No - what are you up to?

We build edible helicopters out of jam.

OK - so hows that going?

Terrible - I don't think they will ever take off…

So, did I tell you about my new business?

No - what is it this time?

We make scuba gear for cats.

Really? How's that going?

Things are coming up to scratch…

Hey, did I tell you I've got a new business?

No, what is it?

I do a mind reading act with squirrels…

So, what's that like?

Completely nuts!

So, I've got a new business…

What's that then?

Determining an object's state of matter.

How's business?

Solid.

Hi, did I tell you I've got a new business?

Oh, yes?

I started a mirror polishing firm!

Really?

Yeah, it's something I can really see myself doing.

So, I've got a new business…

What's that?

I'm working in a planetarium.

How's that going?

It's looking up.


End file.
